Finding Me
On New Year's Eve, I was sitting on my rooftop watching the stars. While the rest of the world was getting ready to welcome the new year, I sought peace in the stars. I was going through many ups and downs, and I still am, but that's how life is. Things happen to you when you least expect them. So get ready now. I am taking you on a journey of self-discovery that I had in the past few weeks. Tighten your seat belts and grab on tight to your smartphone; we have a roller coaster that's leaving in 3... 2... 1... Let's go!!!
During the last week of 2019, I got a job as a content writer. I am happy, but it also sucks that I have to write for a business firm that I eventually wanted to write for. All things aside, I love this new aspect in writing, and I am learning a lot and making silly grammatical mistakes that my team always points out. Grammar Nazis. I can feel the change in my writing ever since.
Secondly, somehow a guitar has found its way to my home, and I am excited to learn it, mostly on weekends. I can assure you all it's not that easy; my fingertips are getting stiff every time I play it. I learned about the chords, frets, strings, and how to tune a guitar. God! I am a slow learner. Sometimes, I hold the guitar in my hands and start strumming and connect with the rhythm that flows through it in my body. I feel like a rock star who is terrible at playing the guitar and singing, but I love it.
Life was going well, but it also had minor & significant bumps along the way, and it disrupted the flow, which I had. A few things happened that I never expected to happen, and I wasn't ready for such situations. As a result, I have been acting way differently from what I am usually. I get irritated at little things, which then pile-ups into a wave of bursting anger, and I hate seeing myself like that. Since the first day of this year, I have wanted to write a blog, but these struggles within had kept me holding back. I was confused, messed up, and hopeless. I started having nightmares once again, which haunts me badly, and there was the addition of new ones. My close circle has tried helping me in their ways. One even wrote a poem for me; thank you! I really wished I could get rid of my nagging thoughts and sleep peacefully for once.
During the past month, I have gone through a whirlpool of emotions, which all led me to think and focus on the single thing person I have been losing this whole time, ME. Today as I sat down on my rooftop after I got home from work, I was waiting for sunrise. I wanted to face the sun again as I used to when I was a kid. Whenever I used to get sad or angry as a kid, I used to look at the rising sun and say these words, "Today, I will shine more than you." I am so glad I did that again today after so many years. I don't know whether I will be better, but I was sure of one thing I was done letting myself down. No more helping to the selfish souls in my life, no more focus on others but myself, no more expectations from the people I love.
Back in the past, I had to deal with heartbreak and leave some so-called friends behind to move my life forward. I learned the two most essential things, Acceptance and Moving Forward. I had accepted the unfortunate things that I couldn't change. IIt was the hardest thing to agree with. Often things happen in our lives that are difficult to comprehend. Because of that, it becomes hard to accept the changes that occurred. The next valuable thing I learned is to move forward. I have seen people saying move on repeatedly, but in reality, you can't move on. You can't just delete someone from your mind. The best thing to do is to keep those beautiful memories with you and move forward with them. Confused? What happened to the bad memories? Well, I realized that when you learn to accept, you no longer are affected by the bad memories.
Coming back to the present, different problems have different solutions. This time I figured out this time it was not about acceptance or moving forward. It was about looking after myself. In short, I had to learn to love myself. I was having a hard time, wasn't able to eat or sleep properly. It was getting worse, than I couldn't even focus on my work. Earlier today, I was writing an article in the office, and I suddenly had tears in my eyes about to fall, luckily no one saw me. I realized that I have let these things affect me much more. I took a break for an hour and walked. At around 2:30 am, I shouted out in angst. I gathered myself back again, looked up in the sky, gazed at the stars for a while. I felt a lot better. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, and I walked back again to my cubicle. I completed my article and was done with my work earlier than expected.
And now I am here in front of my desktop writing about my feelings. I am terrible at expressing myself verbally. Most of the time, my jokes don't even work, my points make little sense, or I keep babbling. Writing is the only thing where I find myself free to express myself. Maybe my first step towards looking after myself. Keeping that thought in mind, I will play the guitar later tonight. It may be good, bad or ugly but one thing is for sure I will enjoy it. Wow! I am smiling once again. It is working wonders already. I love myself; fondly call me a narcissist. Whoa! That was one hell of an exhilarating ride. Remember one thing people are blessings or lessons; figure out who is whom. I found myself and will hold on to myself from here on. It will not be easy, but I am prepared for it. Damn! I can't stop smiling. I dearly hope you are smiling too. Looking forward to your feedback. Constructive criticism is most welcome. Spread the word. PEACE.
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