Feelings

       What does a boy tuck under the sheets looking at his cellphone do? Well, he starts writing a new blog while listening to Eddie Vedder's Society. I'm not sure what this blog will be about, as lately, I've been going through a lot, and I'm just unable to express what I truly feel.

So let us begin a story in hopes of finding something that makes us feel something in the end.

Caring Annoyance

I've never lived with my parents until I was 17 for two years. I consider myself lucky that since the age of one, I've been staying with my grandparents. I was their shining star; they always did little things for me. I still remember when I was just a toddle who just loved to sleep; my grandmother would lay me down near our window at sunrise just so I can open my eyes to the sun's rays. My grandfather used to teach me to play the flute, read books to me and taught me my native language alphabets before even I went to school. Back then, I didn't realize that he was preparing me ahead of everyone, and yes, it proved to be good for me. They have always cared for me, even more than my parents. They have seen me grow, and they tried to make me happy, wanted to get me things that they couldn't afford. But they always kept me smiling. We did have our share of bad days, but then they helped me sleep at night by singing me lullabies or read me stories. Until I was 10 years old, my grandmother used to dropped & picked me up from school. When I look back now, I really miss my childhood. Nowadays, I'm disturbed about my own life, and I shout back at them when they try to care about me. Yes, sometimes caring gets annoying, but that's no reason for me to shout at them. Also, I can't talk to them about my problems.

Please Preach, Please Talk

My parents, what I can say about them. I honestly don't know them that well cause we have never shared or expressed our feelings adequately. I had spent 2 years with my parents in which we had just one family moment together, and that's all that is to it. I've tried many times to talk to them but failed over and over. Yes, I can now freely share things with my mother, but I can't expect her to understand me completely. Finally, I shared an awkward hug with my father, and I don't wait anymore. I'm just glad that they are happy. I have a job. I just hope that someday they'll sit down and talk to me about life. So yeah! Mum, Dad, if you ever read this, please preach more.

Expectations

A word that never knows when it might happen to you. Life is unpredictable, and often we find someone a friend, a lover, or a stranger across the road to wave at. Every person has expectations from someone, and honestly, you can't deny these feelings. It is the most common feeling. I expected my parents to be with me. I hope that the girl I love to share her opinions with me; I wish my friends to be there when I need them. Often, expectation hurts, so you might have heard people saying don't expect anything from anyone. It's true, but when feelings are involved, you do wait, and there's nothing you can do about it. I heard this somewhere, "If you are going to live like this, you have to toughen up."

Fears

For me, fear is the worst feeling of all. People can fear anything. I mean, just look at me. I'm afraid of rats and frogs, and I often have nightmares with a giant rat in it. But I'm most scared of losing people, I understand people come and go, but at this point in life, I don't want to miss anyone. I've lost many friends, companions. I've lost things too, my Beyblades, my drawing books. And every time I've lost something, a part of me faded away also. I was good at drawing, but when my drawing book full of sketches went missing, it drowned me into the succumb of the unknown, and I stopped drawing. Recently, I've been trying to get back at it, but it feels weird now. One of my closest friends had a fear of darkness, and she suffered from emetophobia, but in one way or the other, she got through it. She learned it's crucial you face your fears and not run away from them; the more you run, the more it catches up to you.

Lately, I feel like my feelings are playing table tennis, just bouncing from good to bad & wrong to right. It's just getting difficult to express, and I'm lost.

It all comes down to expressing your feelings because feeling is what makes you alive. It might be difficult for someone to come out of the box. For some, it might be commitments, or in my case, I couldn't be much expressive when it came to embracing myself, and believe me, I talk a lot. Still, expressing all the things I've been holding back really made me accessible. Thank you, Partner, for being there. I wish I could do the same.

There is no closure to this blog. I haven't figured out anything yet. Oh, wait! Found it.

Start expressing, be free, talk, and if you can't, then write it down. Do every little thing that makes you feel alive. Laugh for no reason at all, I do it all the time, and people give me weird looks, and I couldn't care less. All in all, it is all about YOU.

Blog Insta: PenPagesPosts

Instagram: Creative_Insect

Image Courtesy: Pixabay